True Life: I’m Addicted to M&Ms

A good friend of mine at work and I have developed a new habit of trading chocolate. One day, I’ll come in and drop a bag of peanut butter cups on his desk, the next we go on an m&m run together. On a most recent adventure, I picked up a “sharing size” of m’s and kept them in my desk drawer for safekeeping. Well, the next day, I get a photo of my bag of m’s, wide open, and one of each color in his hand.

Warning: Do not ever take someone’s chocolate without asking. That is just RUDE.

I made my disapproval very known, so later that day, I’m sitting at my desk and he walks over and deposits a plastic bag on my desk. Inside was one of every single kind of m&m that his bodega had. I have now described and ranked them for you here from worst to best. You’re welcome.

Mexican Peanut Jalapeno: I was hyped and also terrified of these because they were either going to be amazing or disgusting. The sad part is they were just completely mediocre. It was like a stale peanut m&m breathed in the fumes of a jalapeno pepper. There was just the tiniest hint of spice on my tongue about 45 seconds after I ate one, and it didn’t do anything for me. Hands down the worst of the bunch.

Caramel: A disgrace to both caramel and chocolate, which is my #1 favorite kind of choco-combo. The caramel that’s in these is cloyingly sweet and hurts my teeth and you can taste the artificial flavoring in them. I don’t eat m&ms to be aware of the processed sugar going into my body- I want to be lied to by the wonderful flavor and joy that I experience by eating them. These can go away please.

Toffee Peanut: I love toffee so I was really pumped for these. The biggest flaw is the level of sweetness- it was just too overwhelming. There was a pretty good toffee flavor- sort of what you’d get in a Heath bar with that nice chocolate coating- but it was too sweet to really get the full effect of the toffee taste. The peanut was a nice touch.

Plain: Meh. Just so mediocre. If we’re being honest, the chocolate in an m&m isn’t the highest of quality so when you’re eating only that with no inclusions, it’s just BORING. There’s a ton of other low-quality chocolate I’d choose over this, like Kisses or Hershey bars. I just don’t see the point in eating a plain m&m unless it’s one of those dire situations where you desperately need chocolate and will accept literally anything. And even then…meh.

White Chocolate: Generally, I believe white chocolate is offensive to the real chocolates of the world. It’s sugar. There is no white cocoa bean so wtf is “white chocolate.” That being said, these are weirdly delicious and I don’t know why. It’s like a fruity sort of taste covering the regular chocolatey center that I am honestly here for. Don’t ask me to explain it, I can’t. Just try it- you’ll understand.

Peanut: It’s a classic, let’s be real. While they’re not the most exciting of m&ms, a bag of peanut can never lead you wrong. That fantastic combo of peanut and chocolate is a delightful treat, plus it gives a lovely textural element that brightens up the experience. It may not be the first kind I’d choose but I certainly have never turned them down.

Mint: Chocolate and mint are a match made in heaven and is one of the top three chocolate combinations I want to eat. These seriously satisfy that craving and I really love that they’re bigger than regular m&ms. My only complaint would probably be that the mint is a little bit toothpaste-y for me, so it can be a little overwhelming but it’s certainly not stopping me from finishing the bag.

Hazelnut spread: UM HELLO NUTELLA KNOCKOFF. I almost screamed when I randomly saw these in my bodega because I literally couldn’t believe my eyes. I am a sucker for anything that resembles Nutella and these do not disappoint. I will say that if you scarf down a whole bag, they can be a bit overwhelming but holy hell they are delicious.

Crispy: Similar to a malted milk ball and mildly elusive, these are wonderful. They’re a textural wonderland with that crunchy interior that is somehow hard and yet melts in your mouth, just like the chocolate coating which won’t melt in your hand (see what I did there.) I wouldn’t say the inside is salty, necessarily, but it’s a nice balance to the sweet outside with a milder toffee-like flavor. Huge fan of these.

Pretzel: The ultimate m&m. Crunchy, salty, sweet. What else could you ask for? They’re nice and big too so you don’t feel like a hog if you eat the entire bag in one sitting as I do. They satisfy every craving and the bag is even a nice color. Yes, that matters. I don’t even know what else to say about them except they’re amazing and wonderful and you should go eat them right now.

Also, I think I’m now addicted to m&ms. Send help.

UPDATE: Per some gentle reminders from friends, it seems I forgot a VERY important m. PEANUT BUTTER. I don’t know how these slipped through my attention because they are truly a gift from the chocolate gods and are definitely #1. The peanut butter is smooth, the ratio of chocolate is just right, and they’re a magical joy to eat. I’ve also heard if you put them in the refrigerator, they’re even better. Excuse me while I go try that right now.