Yes, I Went to Olive Garden

Okay friends, I have to come clean to you about something. I hope you won’t judge me and I’m going to explain myself but I just need to get this off my chest.

I went to Olive Garden. On purpose…in Times Square.

Are you still here? You’re probably like “wait, you call yourself a foodie or whatever and you went THERE?!” 

Yeah, honestly I’m asking myself the same thing but let me just give you some context. 

I’m normally quite outspoken against the garbage chains of America (Applebees, Chili’s, TGI Fridays, and yeah, Olive Garden) and that hasn’t changed. In no way do I believe they serve quality food, and I definitely didn’t attend this establishment in search of fine dining. Actually, it was the opposite.

It’s like the hipsters who do strange things because it’s supposedly ironic; well, I guess this visit was also ironic? Sort of? Either way, there was zero expectation that this would be anything above completely average. My friends and I had been joking about how Olive Garden was a staple in our college careers because the soup, salad, and breadsticks were all we could afford back then. I happen to be going on a trip in a couple of weeks with this group of friends and we were saying we needed to meet up for dinner to plan out our adventure, and well, the opportunity presented itself. 

Luckily for us, this mediocre monstrosity is smack in the middle of Times Square because what else could you want with your completely average food but hordes of clueless tourists? It was truly a New Yorker’s worst nightmare, and I put myself in it on purpose. 

We had absolutely no intention of getting anything except soup, salad, and breadsticks, plus a drink but I had forgotten about the toasted ravioli so we got one of those sampler platters. 

The Soup

Bleh. I got one bowl of chicken gnocchi and regretted it. It was essentially a bowl of salty cream with some recently thawed-from-frozen potato gnocchi. And please don’t ask about the chicken- texturally, it was not right. Moving on…

The Salad

I’ll be honest, I am a sucker for Olive Garden salad dressing. It’s just everything you want in a dressing, although the salad isn’t much to write home about. Giant shreds of iceberg lettuce, rings of red onion, huge chunks of poorly cut tomato, and topped with pepperoncinis that no one will eat and then croutons. But that DRESSING. I think I consumed 5 bowls of salad just because of it. 

The Breadsticks

Obviously this is the reason anyone shows up to Olive Garden, right? They’re always served hot, which is kind of impressive considering the sheer quantity this place produces. The one part of this experience I will not apologize for is the number of breadsticks I put in my face. They’re hot and buttery, topped with garlic salt, and they just taste so good.

We also got beverages, because honestly, why not, and the menu made us laugh so hard. I ordered a blackberry pineapple frozen margarita which tasted good but not like a margarita- more like a slushie. And the ravioli were terrible- overcooked, weird little breaded meat squares. Hard pass.

Okay so, let’s get something out of the way: I certainly did not come for the food. But once we had decided to dine at Olive Garden, we really embraced the entire experience. It’s an example of true mediocrity wrapped in a blanket of Middle America innocence that was a fantastic people-watching adventure. I cannot fathom how someone comes to New York City for the first time, or even for the fifth time, and actively chooses to have dinner at an overpriced version of the same institution they have their hometown.

We did have a hilariously good time, though. Somehow, we ended up ordering in pairs, imitating the exact order of the person sitting across from us which has us in fits of giggles every time the waiter came back. And actually, on that note, our server was incredible. He had this bubbly persona that shone out of his every pore as if serving tourists in the middle of the worst neighborhood in all of New York was his idea of a good time. There was even a lovely surprise cheesecake for our friend celebrating her birthday, which tasted terrible but they sang to her, and it provided for even more hilarity.

To be clear, under no circumstances will I return to this hell. As if it wasn’t bad enough that my stomach was killing me after 6 breadsticks, 5 bowls of salad, one bowl of soup, 3 ravioli, a mozzarella stick, and an extremely sugary beverage, I then fought my way through Times Square to get to the train. 

My father is cringing as he reads this, I know. This entire article is everything he taught me not to do. Sorry, dad.

No, I’m not going to apologize to the people who really do love Olive Garden because you’re entirely entitled to your own opinion, as am I. There is no world where I believe this place serves any form of “good food” and it’s truly an offense to authentic Italian food everywhere, especially in New York. But I do recognize that for many towns and cities in this country, Olive Garden functions as a family outing, a place for folks to get together and enjoy each other’s company over a hot meal, and I will always appreciate that in every form. 

All I ask is that if you are one of those families, just go try somewhere else. Or try and cook it at home together. There is so much wonderful food in the world and if you can’t find it outside your home, then create it inside.